The Most Tremendous Scientific Abstract
Sometimes scientific abstracts are weak like a baby. Those abstracts are written by losers, and they are dangerous. We have to be smarter, or bad abstracts are never, ever going to end. That would be very bad. Instead, let's write huge and amazing abstracts. You have to be, like, a really smart person to write this kind of abstract. Like the author who wrote the one below. It's terrific and classy, and it will win. Enjoy. Details are disguised in brackets to maintain author anonymity.
If you have words, you can write an abstract. If you have the best words, you can write this tremendous abstract.
Basic research is a disaster, an absolute disaster, it's a terrible situation, terrible, but I have a plan to fix that. Did I “depreciate” a MacBook Air on my taxes last year because I teach with it? I sure did, and you know why? Because I’m smart, very smart, and all of Hillary’s friends do it too…I know the tax code better than anyone. This talk will focus on the [species name], an organism that is asexually expanding right now in Bio II, regenerating every germline and somatic tissue in its body. Can other model organisms do that? Particularly chordates? NO- so the first order of business will be to menacingly stare down all other models while sniffing loudly. Next, I’ll just make up some data and blurt it out, and if anything is inconsistent, that’s not my fault- sure, I’ll be wearing a live mic, but I’ll just tell you next time that I didn’t say that. I’ll be telling two stories, and the first should keep you up at night- it’s about how foreign [types of] cells cross borders and displace the native [types of] cells, and the terrible thing is, and it really is a terrible, terrible thing- they take their jobs away from them! Even though these migrating [types of] cells have been extremely vetted by a highly polymorphic allorecognition system, once they get in, they cheat. Letting those foreign cells in is a disaster; the worst deal ever made in history, ever, and as will come as no surprise, Hillary would increase that by 550%- but I can keep you safe my friends. Second, I’ll be firing up the [species] base, telling a new story on vascular biology, mechanotransduction and aging that I hope will provide another example of why, even though [species] may respect other models, it is Yuuuge!